Safely In the Arms of Jesus

Hello all,
My lovely wife Patrica J. Cerasa, lost her fight with ovarian cancer at 12:34 PM yesterday and went safely to the arms of Jesus and all of those in her family that have gone before her. Her family was by her side right up to the end. I will miss her terribly. Please pray for her soul and for all of us left behind.

Peace be with you all,
Joe Cerasa

Dear friends. There comes a time when life as we know it must end it has come for me. I am in serenity house  it's a lovely place to. Spend my last days  beautiful room with sliding glass doors overlooking. Bird feeders French doors into small living room for family to sleep  meals, anything I want no visiting hours.  Visitors anytime. A peaceful place with loving workers. I'm happy here I am texting this post.   Hard for me to do I just wanted to tell you all what you mean to me. Love comes along in our lives and I feel so lucky to have all of you so, good bye for now. Someday we will meet again.     Balisha. Xoxo

Morning by Balisha

Morning...by Balisha

Waking up this morning....I'm in my cozy bed,
I heard a birdie singing and this is what he said...
"Good morning dear Balisha...I'm visiting from above,
The skies are clear and beautiful and I am full of love.
I came so early to cheer you up and make you feel OK..
Some other friends are here with me and this is what they say"..
The little wren (my favorite) brings songs so full of joy...
The robin with his winter coat....is being oh so coy..
The black bird on the wire....is too shy to come down..
He squawks his message from above..his face is in a frown.
The chipmunk  out of hiding he gives his little grin...
The possum shyly gives a smile....and turns to go back in.
The sun is  up ... gives me a nod  and stops to say hello..
A sunny day is what we need to warm us down below.
I turn toward the downy bed to rest a little more...
All is well today... a good day is in store.

Today

Simple Pleasure:

Warm blanket from Karen.

Sunny day today. Not such a good day. Maybe afternoon will be better.

Balisha..Hugs

Valentine's Day

 This is an old picture..

Simple Pleasures for Valentine's Day...
Feeling loved by family and friends.

This is a good day. We are pretty much alone today, because of weather. Roads are hazardous and I wouldn't want family to take any chances. So, Joe and I are here alone and it's quite nice. I got a box of Pixies from him and because I had nothing for him....I ordered a dozen boxes of bran muffin mix from Amazon. He loves my bran muffins and this way he can mix them and I might be able to cut up the fruit to go in. Another simple pleasure.

Balisha....Hugs

HoW Can I Not Respond?

How can I not respond?....Sitting here reading a few posts from others, and just itching to touch the keys. I love this blog and can't seem to stop. The chair is still most comfortable. Maybe I can post a short one....just to keep on going.
Your comments are so lovely......I am so touched by the out pouring of love and prayer.
I'll leave with a ...

Simple Pleasure of the day....

Sitting on the edge of  my bed, at 2:30  am eating a cinnamon muffin..... made by my neighbor, Terry...So good!
Balisha... Hugs

My Last Post

This is so hard for me....I think this might be my last post on the blog that has been my way of speaking to so many for several years.
I am at home with hospice care right now. It was totally my decision to bring this to an end...after hearing that my ov.. cancer was stage 4 and involved my bowel system too. The chemo treatments are so hard  and with that diagnosis...I saw no real future except that of dr visits, hosp, surgery down the road, and just ending my life feeling like I do now. Without treatment I might have 3 months.
During the night, a week or so ago, I was tossing and turning and sleep wouldn't come. I made the decision to stop treatment and try to live what is the end of my life with some dignity, family around with their wonderful memories, Joe and I here at home, some peace and beauty and most of all wonderful people.
I awoke that morning, and felt at peace with my decision. A calm came over me and the fears were gone. When I looked in my children's eyes.....my heart just broke. They might have wanted me to continue, but after our talk, they knew that their Mom was making the right choice.
So, the treatment was stopped and I came home to hospice care. I'll be here until I am too much for Joe to take care of. Then I will go to Serenity House Hospice.....a facility for 8 patients nearby. The very best place for this care.
Our Church has been wonderful...sending meals, prayers, communion at home, visits, Priests coming to call etc. Most of all, they are caring for Joe too. He has been here, not in good health himself, caring for me.
While trying to focus on happier things...my mind always came to this blog. I have loved keeping this journal....loved making so many caring friends that I never would meet. I felt your compassion when my son passed and now feel it for me. I can't name you all, but you know that you are all in my heart.
Deb, thank you for the beautiful flowers .....they arrived just as I came home from the hosp. Please know how much I enjoyed them. Please don't feel that any of you need send flowers or anything. I am a simple woman, who may sit here and read your comments and feel the love.
I sit here typing, for the first time, with my oxygen and hair falling out. Don't I paint a pretty picture? Today comes the haircut and a visit from an old friend.
So, my friends, this is maybe a good bye. Thanks for always reading and know that each of you has a special place in my heart. My heart is bursting with love right now. So, continue on with your blogs and be sure to enjoy each moment that God gives you. The time might be short.
I feel that God gave me a gift.....the last days of my life to tell family and friends how much I love  and cherish them.
Hugs....Balisha

Today

This thing just progresses. Chemo hit me with a bang. Rough night last night and today is not much better. How will I tolerate more chemo?
 Wonderful man was here and cleaned the whole house. I love a clean house...so gave me a lift.
Joe and I just laid on the bed and he looked at me and said,"We're a fine pair to meet."
Still no appetite...jello and ginger ale are delicious. Supposed to keep hydrated, but hard to do when I'm carrying this big belly around. I really feel full.When I get rid of this belly of water on Mon, I know I will feel better.
Balisha
Sunny day is nice.

Today

Feeling weak this morning....I guess a natural thing with chemo. Don't know how I can feel much worse.

Do you really want to hear a play by play each day? Very depressing to read...I would think.I know you all care, but this is really a downer.

So much going on here....almost too much to handle.

On a lighter note....when I was reading comments during the night...I heard two owls in our front yard. I've never heard an owl here before.
Poor birds...I'll bet they wonder where Balisha is.

Hugs  Balisha...back later

She shaved her head

This is my daughter LuAnn. She lives in DC and was here at the beginning of all this and will be back on the 6th of Feb. She and I are very close and I know how hard it is for her to be so far away.She was hooked up through Iphone, so she could participate in the family meeting with the oncologist. She could hear everything and ask questions. Yesterday, while talking to my son, John, he said, "Have you been on Facebook today? You had better check, because there's a picture you might want to see." When I opened FB.....there she was with her head shaved. Her beautiful hair was gone...just fuzz left. I laughed at first.... then cried. She did this to show her love and support for me. I'm having my head shaved in a week or so and we will probably have a picture taken together. Love this girl....
 Balisha

The Gift

This is the day for my first chemo treatment. Feeling weak and just have to sit or lie down for a few minutes. This chair is comfortable and the computer is just around the corner from my bed. Yesterday, I mentioned that I would tell a few things about how I feel.

I'm surprisingly calm about what is wrong. Typically frightened of what's to come as far as chemo goes. I asked my Priest, why if I have a strong faith, am I scared. He said..."It's being human."I've heard such horror stories about this cancer and chemo. I've had a lot of time during wakeful hours to think about this. I've come to the conclusion that it is sort of a gift. I'll explain....

Here I am in the center of it all. Joe has been doing the best he can. He's not in the best shape, so we need all the help we can get. He's learning patience.

My kids and my brother and sister in law.....have always been there for me. We went through their Dad's death and then Tim's a couple of years ago... together. They love me so much and we are a tight family. Daughter in law, Karen, and grand kids are part of this tight family... I know they care deeply.

I told Joe the other day, about my feeling that it's a gift. He said, "A gift???"

As far as the feeling about being a gift....this has helped Joe's kids to see that their dad is old and might need more help. God's already working on this. It is teaching patience and compassion. It has made me understand a relationship in my family...and I have found that just getting to know someone and listen has helped. It has brought a couple of my friends together. It has made friends here in Byron concerned and helping so much. It has helped the Church be able to help someone who needs it. It has brought more prayer among people. Maybe it will bring someone back to Church. I has brought loving comments from my blogger friends...and they are praying.

I feel like I'm in a circle with God's work swirling around. I feel secure . We always hear about bad things happening to good people and wonder why. Why does God let a little child die? Maybe this is the reason....it gives people a way to show what they are made of. Extending prayer and help...where they might not have done so  before.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, you know. I can see his working for me everywhere.

These are just a few thoughts of mine.
Balisha

Real Name

Hello,
Feeling a bit stronger this morning. My real name is Patricia. I got the nickname Balisha from Joe when we first married. He loves to rhyme names...you know....Patricia Balisha. So, when I started blogging, and really didn't want to put out too much info...I used Balisha. The name caught on and feels almost like my own. Real name, Pat Cerasa email...patc38@yahoo.com. I've been asked for my address, but I don't feel safe putting it here. So, if you want it...email me.

I feel a bit stronger this morning. Blood pressure has been in the 70's and 80', so that's not helping. Today, I'm getting ready for tomorrow. Hair wash, shower, and a little tidying of the bedroom. We have lots of things in the fridge for me to choose from.... after chemo. I still don't have much appetite. My wonderful blog friend, Ernestine, fills her posts with healthy foods that she is eating. Looking at her posts has always made my mouth water. So, E. just keep on posting....you are my nutrition person.

I'll be back later today to write a little about my feelings at this point.

Love, Patricia-Balisha

The picture

Finally figured it out....here I am with Willow, one of my daily canine visitors. Dogs are so calming and one little fox terrior just snuggled up next to me and we looked into each other's eyes. Such a simple thing brings such pleasure.
Balisha

Today

Waiting for them to bring Communion from Church. I've been up for quite a while. Just one day at a time......that's how I' navigating.

No appetite. Joe, who eats a lot, keeps watching me and trying to get me to eat more. Simple foods...no mixtures for me right now. Tiny portions often throughout the day. I think I should be able to have a sweet once in a while :) Ginger ale tastes best to me.

Have a picture to send of me and a hospital therapy dog, but couldn't figure out how to do it...maybe later.

May be back...I'm to stay up more and try to gather strength for Tues. Don't know how I can feel worse than this.

Sorry for such a downer....does me good to vent.

Just read this from Margie's sermon at Margie's musings....God will be our refuge, but the refuge does not protect us from experiencing the storm, but rather it strengthens us during the storm. 

Can't possibly thank everyone for comments. I read and reread them and am so appreciative for them.

Balisha

Just a note from me

After being in the hospital all week and going through a million tests....they found cancer cells in the fluid that they drained from my abdomen. They also drained fluid from my lung to make it easier to breathe.The final diagnosis is Ovarian Cancer. The tumor is about 7 inches across.....about the size of a honeydew melon. I had my yearly physical at the end of Nov and everything was fine. So, starting chemo on Tues. After an aggressive chemo....I think for 6 months....I will have surgery at Universary of Madison, Wis.I'm so afraid of the future...I guess the mystery of not knowing how my body will react to the treatment is why. I hope you all continue to pray for me.
I'll be back here probably daily if I can manage.
Hugs from Balisha

Just to let you know...

Well here goes.

I spent several hours in the ER yesterday. My belly was swollen as were  my feet and legs. The doctor wanted me to go to the OSF clinic for an abdominal x ray. I felt that it would be too much for me to travel an hour and then have to wait for treatment. So, Joe decided to call the paramedics and have me transported by ambulance. I can't say enough good about our fire dept. They are so caring and gentle with people and know just what to say to calm you down. So far, they have given me the best care.

So that brings me to this....after x rays, ct scan etc. We found that I have ascites. There is fluid in the abdominal cavity that shouldn't be there. I look like I'm about to have a baby at this point. Weak as a kitten and shortness of breath. I haven't been able to sleep.They told me that not much would be done over the weekend and I could go home and come back if I get worse. I am to make an appt at a gastro enterologist as soon as  possible. There are a couple of things that might be causing this. Liver not working right or bowel. I don't drink alcohol...never have smoked and don't use caffeine, so the cause of this is a puzzle.

Now, we have to find a doctor that can take me soon. Now, I'm on my soapbox....the health care system in our country is really bad. The days when you could just call the doctor and he would see you are gone. You almost have to jump through hoops to get attention today. Old people seem to be lost in the shuffle. Where are the geriatric doctors? You think you are doing the right thing by going to your doctor and having regular checkups....and then if they do find something... it will be taken care of. Now, you go to the doctor and then do followups with his nurse on the phone..... that's how it's done today. Sometimes waiting all day for them to call back. A phone call or two isn't enough....how can they see your progress by talking on the phone?

I don't know what is going to happen. That's the scary part. I try to keep a positive attitude, but that is slipping away.

I appreciate all your loving comments....this old computer chair is the most comfortable place for me. During the night, I often come here and read them over and over again.

I have a strong faith that God will see me through this. Please pray for me.

Love to all of you,
Balisha

Pneumonia

I really appreciate all the prayers and comments over the past few days. I've got pneumonia and I am still feeling miserable. The doctor says maybe 6 wks before I'll feel good. I need another x ray in 4 to 6 wks.

I haven't felt like blogging....just couldn't get myself to put anything together, but the computer chair has been my lifesaver for this short time.It's the most comfortable place for me. I come here and just click on the comments, once in a while read a post or two, and just know that there are friends out there...who care about me. 

When you are my age, pneumonia can be rough. I'm weak as a kitten, and really can't do anything except take care of my own needs. There's no room for impatience I've found. The disease always wins. I have to learn to just go with the flow. I'm learning :)

Starting my 2nd round of antibiotics today...took me off prednisone, and continue with cough meds and pro biotics. I am hoping that this antibotic will be the miracle drug.

I've never been laid up like this before and don't like having to depend on others for meals etc. It's a whole new learning experience for me. Letting others do for me.

I have found that keeping a freezer full of little meals from now on is essential. Keeping go to foods in the freezer upstairs is essential. Keeping things like tea, gatorade, and juices... essential.When I think of all the holiday prep that I did, when I could have been stocking my freezer... was sort of silly. Preparing for an illness is sort of like preparing for a storm or earthquake. We need certain things on our emergency shelf and with an illness....the same is true. We hope to never have to use these things, but they are there just in case.

We have lots of food here.....just that everything needs long cooking. We did just stock up on freezer entrees by Stouffer's. They are surprisingly good.  

As I close this I just want to say....that you find out who really cares about you when you are down. So, thankful that I'm not alone here. Thank you if you've left a comment and even if you didn't, I know that there are so many out there who read this, almost daily blog, who care.

I'll be back later...maybe tomorrow to let you know how I'm doing.

Love to all of you,

Balisha  

Under the Weather

                  I'm a bit under the weather...be back soon.
                                               Balisha

An Afternoon with Maya

I watched something on TV that has really touched me. It was on Oprah's Master Class. I haven't watched many of these programs, but when I saw that Maya Angelou was going to be featured...I recorded it. Yesterday afternoon, as I sat here alone, I turned on this program and wasn't disappointed. Maya has a voice like no other. When she speaks.....you listen. Her soft gentle way is so soothing. I love her poems and love to hear her recite them.

Sometimes I get a little sad that I am approaching 80 yrs old in a couple of years. Maya began the interview by saying that she was celebrating her 80's...something she's looked forward to. She said, "My 60's were good and then the wonderful 70's and now the 80's are here." She looked like she was so full of joy. Here was a woman bubbling over with anticipation of what's to come. 

The interview went on telling about her life and then the program was only Maya....telling about some of her views on life. 

She said that words have power....watch your words. Be careful what words you use and let into your home. 

She said that God puts rainbows in our clouds. People who are kind can be a rainbow. We carry everyone who was ever kind to us in our daily lives. Those people are there to help us. Be a blessing to other people. 

When you have a choice in a questionable situation.... Just do right. This will satisfy your soul and no matter what happens....you will be peaceful with your decision. Be the best human being that you can be...at work, home, and your Church. Think about how people perceive you...decide to do better. 

She says we are all children of God. Thinks it amazing that the one who created a flea and a mountain created her. She says that she is a human being and nothing human can be alien to her. We have the same makeup as people who do bad things. We make a choice to do the right thing. 

She speaks of her grandmother and says that her grandma always said, "When you get.....give, When you learn.....teach."

She believes that Faith is the evidence of things unseen.

She ended with Love Liberates.

This remarkable woman died this past year. She was 86 yrs old. There are so many things on the internet about her. If you get to see Oprah's Master Class in reruns....take some time to watch...you won't be disappointed.

Balisha

Looking Ahead One Day at a Time

I begin the new year by hanging a new calendar. I pick one out for the breakfast nook and next to my computer. Every fall, a favorite thing to do is go through the calendars for the new year at Amazon. What one to choose? Joe says, "With all the free calendars that we get...you still need to buy one?" I needn't remind him that he chooses one with Springer Spaniels each year :)

I appreciate a beautiful piece of artwork on my wall. Look forward to turning the page to see the next month. I never look ahead....the element of surprise is what I love. I have chosen ones by Susan Branch so often. I keep some of these throughout the years and sometimes use them in my own artwork. Lately I have chosen a narrow one by Susan Winget. It fits next to my computer in a narrow space on the wall. With my vision changing, I may have to choose a new one next year....one with bigger squares. Her calendars always show the warmth of country living. Quilts, apples, flags, pumpkins and snow men with a few flowers mixed in fill the pages of her calendars. I enjoy reading about the artist at the end of the calendar. As I hang my new calendar, I can picture her working in her studio at home...on next year's calendar.

 Then there is the calendar that we put in a wooden frame on the wall in our breakfast nook. I sit at the table and look ahead to see the beautiful artwork of the month. This calendar is the creation of Annie LaPoint. There is a piece of scripture on each page. The pages are full of mossy green flower pots...(most of them are terra cotta) and ivy topiary, vintage gardening tools, favorite flowers and seasonal things. Since I love ivy, topiary, terra cotta and moss...this is a no brainer for me. I love reading the little bit of scripture too.

I have bought one by this artist for the past 3 yrs. I love reading about her life and her ministry...building Churches in poor communities. She and her husband are working with volunteer groups to build Mi Casa Children's Home in Mexico....soon many children will have a home. 

So, as I hang my new calendar, I look forward to a new year. One filled with hope and promise. 

I hope that you all have God's peace and I promise to continue with this blog as long as I am able. 

Balisha