I am at home with hospice care right now. It was totally my decision to bring this to an end...after hearing that my ov.. cancer was stage 4 and involved my bowel system too. The chemo treatments are so hard and with that diagnosis...I saw no real future except that of dr visits, hosp, surgery down the road, and just ending my life feeling like I do now. Without treatment I might have 3 months.
During the night, a week or so ago, I was tossing and turning and sleep wouldn't come. I made the decision to stop treatment and try to live what is the end of my life with some dignity, family around with their wonderful memories, Joe and I here at home, some peace and beauty and most of all wonderful people.
I awoke that morning, and felt at peace with my decision. A calm came over me and the fears were gone. When I looked in my children's eyes.....my heart just broke. They might have wanted me to continue, but after our talk, they knew that their Mom was making the right choice.
So, the treatment was stopped and I came home to hospice care. I'll be here until I am too much for Joe to take care of. Then I will go to Serenity House Hospice.....a facility for 8 patients nearby. The very best place for this care.
Our Church has been wonderful...sending meals, prayers, communion at home, visits, Priests coming to call etc. Most of all, they are caring for Joe too. He has been here, not in good health himself, caring for me.
While trying to focus on happier things...my mind always came to this blog. I have loved keeping this journal....loved making so many caring friends that I never would meet. I felt your compassion when my son passed and now feel it for me. I can't name you all, but you know that you are all in my heart.
Deb, thank you for the beautiful flowers .....they arrived just as I came home from the hosp. Please know how much I enjoyed them. Please don't feel that any of you need send flowers or anything. I am a simple woman, who may sit here and read your comments and feel the love.
I sit here typing, for the first time, with my oxygen and hair falling out. Don't I paint a pretty picture? Today comes the haircut and a visit from an old friend.
So, my friends, this is maybe a good bye. Thanks for always reading and know that each of you has a special place in my heart. My heart is bursting with love right now. So, continue on with your blogs and be sure to enjoy each moment that God gives you. The time might be short.
I feel that God gave me a gift.....the last days of my life to tell family and friends how much I love and cherish them.
Hugs....Balisha
Dear Friend: I am so sorry to hear this but think your decision is a good one. I know that you'll find comfort amidst your family and friends. I do hope that you will be able to keep physically comfortable as well. May God bless and keep you.
ReplyDeleteBest,
Bonnie
Oh Balisha we all love you so.
ReplyDeleteI see you with oxygen and hair falling out and the LIGHT of God's presence and peace surrounding you with strength, love and dignity.
I understand your decision ...I'd have made the same.
I hope that you can still come back on now and again and let us know how you are doing or perhaps have one of your children do so.
My heart goes out to them. If I love you just from knowing you through your blog, how much more must they, and Joe, and all of your friends and church family there.
No words...just tears and a virtual hug for you my dear.
I love you mom.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words I can write to explain the feelings... My tear filled key board says it all....... Love you so very much Pat.
ReplyDeleteYour Sis Deb
love you....,.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words I can write to explain my feelings. My tear filled keyboard says it all. Love you so very much.
ReplyDeletePat, it is hard to read this but know you have made the best decision. I have known a number of friends that have gone down the treatment road and had maybe a few extra months, but months of hell. I pray that you will have some peaceful and great times with your family and friends and a glimpse of heaven when your time draws near, I believe you will. Blessings and Love, Barbara
ReplyDeleteDearest Balisha ~ I am sitting here sobbing at reading your news. My heart breaks for you and your family. I want to tell you that you have been such a blessing in my life and I thank God that we met through blogging.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that gives me joy in this sadness is that I will see you again. You will be perfectly well, you will be young. You are going to your Creator.
You and your family are in my prayers. I pray that the time you have left will be filled with peace and love and thankfulness.
I love you dear Balisha and I know Jesus has His arms wrapped around you, supporting you and giving you His strength. When you reach the other side of the veil, I would love my dear husband to come up to you and give you a big hug, with his brown eyes twinkling telling you all is well and just maybe he will.
Love, hugs and prayers my friend, my sister ~ FlowerLady
There comes a time for all of us when quality trumps quantity. I applaud you for your courage and may God bless you and all of your family with peace and strength. Prayers to you from this fellow blogger.
ReplyDeleteI am a relatively new reader, within the last couple of months. I pray the best for you and your family. Julie
ReplyDeleteLove to you and yours, Balisha, for every step of your journey. ♥
ReplyDeleteSending so much love from the UK to both you and your family for the next few weeks and months. Thank you for giving us such an inspirational post at this difficult time. Jx
ReplyDeleteDear Balisha, you are the one who knows best what you need to do. As my Quaker friend says, I am holding you in the light as your journey continues. May God bless you and keep you ~
ReplyDeleteYou have amazing strength and are so lucky to be surrounded by so many who love you. I hope I never have to make the choice you made but I am pretty sure if I did I would make the same one. Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteSending love and prayers for you and your family. So thankful that our paths crossed in cyberspace. You are a beautiful lady. (Hug)
ReplyDeleteDear, dear Balisha!
ReplyDeleteI came to know you late ♥
Love and courage flow from this post and I shall remember these characteristics this just as I remember your beautiful name.
Prayers for you, Joe & your precious family in these days.
me again :) XO
ReplyDeletehttp://www.frugallittlebungalow.com/balisha-proverbs-31-woman/
Hi Pat,
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog often and never commented, just selfishly enjoyed. Your pictures and your words were inspiring and uplifting and made me look at my gardens and life with new eyes. I told Nancy that I always felt a strong connection to your spirit. Funny, I call my mom and myself "Mumsy." Selfishly (again!) I wish you would share your journey. I feel so much wisdom coming through your decisions and your faith. But, this is YOUR time and you do whatever leads you each day. I would definitely love to come visit.
Julie
Dear Patricia Balisha, how honored I am to have known you through your blog, which I found just recently. I'm a lonely old lady, and your words are a comfort to me as I read back through this touching journal of yours, but now I can't find words to comfort you. I can only ask God to do that, and tell you that you and your family will be in my prayers. God bless and keep you, dear sweet lady.
ReplyDeleteRuth from Pennsylvania
I love you, Pat. Thanks for helping me be a better gardener and a better person.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Balisha...Pat...I have to come back later. I'm in tears...I have become so fond of you in the past few years. And knowing we were just a little more than an hour apart...how sad I didn't make the effort to visit you in person. I'll be back if you post again, you can count on it. I am at a loss for words at this point...you are so very brave. I will be keeping you in my prayers, dear lady.
ReplyDeleteAll my love
I am better for having known you through this blog. thnx
ReplyDeleteI have been enriched by knowing you through your blog.
ReplyDeleteDear Pat, your words are so difficult to read...but I admire you for your courage to finish well. I will be praying for you and for your family, that all of you will find your strength in our precious Lord. Thank you for stepping in to say good-bye, sweet friend. Love and prayers...
ReplyDeleteMay all god's angels surround you in care as you go through this journey. I'll think you often.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI came here from Ernestine's blog to wish you peace and to be impressed by the elegant way you are handling this challenge. May we all be so graceful as you when our time comes.
ReplyDeleteYour courage is amazing-I know that comes from your deep faith in God. I wish you many happy,lovely moments with your family in the days ahead. I am sure God is waiting to welcome you into Heaven.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been blogging for awhile now and was so saddened to read your posts lately. I've always found inspiration in your garden and your love for nature.
ReplyDeleteYou have a loving family that will care for you and I hope your journey is filled with strength and peace.
hugs ~
Patricia, I have hopped to you from Flower Lady Lorraine, after her post for you, Bravest words ever, I can see the love you and your darling Joe have for each-other, and your family, you are in their hearts always. Caring thoughts from way down here in NZ. Jean.
ReplyDeleteI came upon your blog just as you have written your last post, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. My faith tells me that God holds you close and my hope is that you get to enjoy sweet moments with your loved ones by your side. Having discovered your writings at this juncture means I shall be reading your earlier posts and enjoying the life you have shared with your readers. I shall be holding you and your family in my prayers, may b peace and love surround you!
ReplyDeleteI haven't known your blog long, having recently discovered it. What a tough decision you have made as you choose life: life as you want it as long as you can have it.
ReplyDeleteOh my Pat, I just found you through flower lady Lorainne....My heart just aches to read this post and understand what you must be going though. Your decision was the right one for you and that is as it should be. I can only add this sense of calm in that we just buried my 47 year old son January 20th and since his death...I have felt his spirit many, many times surrounding me with the love he knew during his lifetime. I know your loved ones will also be surrounded by your loving spirit when you pass. I wish I would have found your blog sooner, I would have been "honored" to know you and call you my friend.
ReplyDeletemuch love,
Jo
I hope you are able to enjoy the tiniest drop of dew on each leaf until the end.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to smell the slightest fragrance of each bloom until you go.
I hope you will be able to hold close all those you love until you leave.
You have made our lives richer with your blog and we all thank you for it.
Dearest Balisha/Pat,
ReplyDeleteI have just come home form the rehab center following my knee replacement surgery and first thing I wanted to do was check on your decision. I can only say that I would make the same decision, and will only think of all the beauty that you placed in our lives and in yours and those of your lucky neighbors. To me it is what real life is all about, and as you make your departure plans you are doing so with love, and beauty around you still. I think you are having a befitting ending (certainly not the cancer part of it!!!) of your own choice and doing it your way, allows you to leave on "natural" and more peaceful terms.
I pray your path continues with flowers, and uplifting moments at every turn.
I am grateful to have known only a tad of your love, but you enriched my life in so many ways.
Everytime I see a garden your face will shine back.
With love and Godspeed.
Marcia
I admire you strength, courage and wisdom shining through at such a difficult time. Sending prayers for you and your family. May peace be with you.
ReplyDeletePat,
ReplyDeleteI'm here after visiting Deb at Frugal Little Bungalow. What a beautiful blog you have and what an inspiring woman you are. I pray for comfort for you and your family after making such a difficult decision. God bless.
Dear Balisha (Pat),
ReplyDeleteI always think of you as Balisha.
Your writing has been an inspiration. I always looked forward to reading the stories and poems that you wrote and to seeing what you were doing in your garden and at the edge of the woods in your backyard. You are a wise woman and brave. You and your family have been and will continue to be in my prayers Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing, gardening adventures, and great wisdom with all of us who have been blessed by your blog.
Love,
Susie D.
,
Hi, I hopped over from Debra's at Frugal Little Bungalow. She thinks the world of you. I will keep you in my prayers. Spending time with those you love is what's important for sure! Wish I would have met you sooner. I can tell just by reading this that you are an amazing woman!
ReplyDeletehugs,
Jann
Dearest Balisha Patricia - I had just typed out a big, long comment and it just disappeared into cyberspace! I hope it doesn't go through twice...
ReplyDeleteI had read your post several times, but couldn't comment at first because I was too upset. I am still finding this news so hard to believe. You are such a strong, brave woman with an incredible attitude and outlook. I have always loved your blog and reading about what you were doing around your house and gardens and visits with your family and friends. My life has been enriched by getting to know you through your blog. You will always be loved and remembered by all of us in the blogging community. May you feel the comfort and peace of God as you go through your journey. I will be keeping Joe and your children in my prayers...
Love and hugs from your FRIEND,
Melanie
Dear Balisha,
ReplyDeleteI found you by way of Flowerlady Rainey a little while ago when she first wrote of a prayer request for you. My prayers and caring have and will be with you.
I believe you have made the very best choice in stopping the treatment.
Tonight I am holding you and Joe close in my heart as I hold you up into the light of His presence.
Love,
Lily
“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.”
ReplyDelete― Rabindranath Tagore
With love and special thoughts.
I see your comments so often in Ernestine's pages and just read her recent post dedicated to you. I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you and your family as you travel this part of life's journey. I hope I will be as brave as you when I reach this crossroad in my own life. Sending love. <3
ReplyDeleteDear Balisha (Pat)...I feel I have known you for years. You were so much comfort to me when I lost my Bob. I am just sick about your situation but I know you have made the right decision considering your situation. That's the same decision my Bob made and I will make when my time comes. Just like you...he preferred "quality of life" rather then "quantity of life". But I feel I am losing an old friend. You have been such an inspiration to me and evidently to many others as well. God is right there with you and will be support as your journey continues.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you daily. I have been blessed by your blog. I think of each of my blogging friends as close friends, we come across each other sharing the same love of life.
ReplyDeleteNonie
I found you by way of Lorraine, the Flower Lady's blog. She is my kindred spirit it seems and has given me much comfort since discovering her through Ferree Hardy's Widows Christian Place. I feel blessed to have found such jewels...each one of you put on a path of beauty that only the Lord could have led me on...one leading to the next. I pray for you dear Balisha, and your caring husband, Joe. I am grateful to be a receiver from what came from your heart to reach mine. You are a gift from God.
ReplyDeleteEven though we have never met in person we have in heart. My heart is so heavy I can not imaging how your family feels.
ReplyDeleteknow you are in my prayers and every day is a gift.
a hug from a far and a kiss on the cheek. Praying for you
Cathy
Dear Pat/Balisha.. my heart breaks for you and your family, but I understand. My mother went through something very similar. In the end, I told her that she did not have to stay for me, that I would be alright, even though I hated to see her go. I completely respect your decision to end the treatment, you need to do this on your own terms. It is your life. I have followed your lovely blog for a couple of years now and have always loved visiting to hear a story told only the way you can. Here you are with the biggest story of all, one of faith and love. You are a wonderful inspiration to all of us and we will be with you here as long as you need us. ~ Diane
ReplyDeleteLike many, I read but don't comment alot - just praying for your continued peace and comfort and many blessings as you face each day.
ReplyDeleteSending my love and prayers. Mildred
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