I am at home with hospice care right now. It was totally my decision to bring this to an end...after hearing that my ov.. cancer was stage 4 and involved my bowel system too. The chemo treatments are so hard and with that diagnosis...I saw no real future except that of dr visits, hosp, surgery down the road, and just ending my life feeling like I do now. Without treatment I might have 3 months.
During the night, a week or so ago, I was tossing and turning and sleep wouldn't come. I made the decision to stop treatment and try to live what is the end of my life with some dignity, family around with their wonderful memories, Joe and I here at home, some peace and beauty and most of all wonderful people.
I awoke that morning, and felt at peace with my decision. A calm came over me and the fears were gone. When I looked in my children's eyes.....my heart just broke. They might have wanted me to continue, but after our talk, they knew that their Mom was making the right choice.
So, the treatment was stopped and I came home to hospice care. I'll be here until I am too much for Joe to take care of. Then I will go to Serenity House Hospice.....a facility for 8 patients nearby. The very best place for this care.
Our Church has been wonderful...sending meals, prayers, communion at home, visits, Priests coming to call etc. Most of all, they are caring for Joe too. He has been here, not in good health himself, caring for me.
While trying to focus on happier things...my mind always came to this blog. I have loved keeping this journal....loved making so many caring friends that I never would meet. I felt your compassion when my son passed and now feel it for me. I can't name you all, but you know that you are all in my heart.
Deb, thank you for the beautiful flowers .....they arrived just as I came home from the hosp. Please know how much I enjoyed them. Please don't feel that any of you need send flowers or anything. I am a simple woman, who may sit here and read your comments and feel the love.
I sit here typing, for the first time, with my oxygen and hair falling out. Don't I paint a pretty picture? Today comes the haircut and a visit from an old friend.
So, my friends, this is maybe a good bye. Thanks for always reading and know that each of you has a special place in my heart. My heart is bursting with love right now. So, continue on with your blogs and be sure to enjoy each moment that God gives you. The time might be short.
I feel that God gave me a gift.....the last days of my life to tell family and friends how much I love and cherish them.
Hugs....Balisha
